Saturday Song: “Finally”


I’m in the process of selling my house in Atlanta.  Yesterday, I got an offer on the house, but it was very low (like, less than I still owe on the house low).  My realtor suggested I nonetheless counter their offer.  “How much should I counter with?” I asked.  She then asked me what’s the lowest I would be willing to walk away from the house with.

I kept filling up with doubts, thinking that the house is worth much less than I had originally believed.  Thinking, “Who am I kidding to think someone would want to buy this place?”  Trying to come up with a million reasons it is worth it, none of which seem to allay my fears.

Ultimately, the house is a stand-in for how much I think I’m worth.  I spent 10 years deriving the lion’s share of my worth – my inherent worth as a human – from being in the band Girlyman.  And now that we’ve broken up, I’ve been noticing how little I think I’m worth.  I suppose I always thought I was worth that little, but being in a successful touring band seemed to distract me from that fact.

Part of me (my ego-mind, I guess) alternates between thinking I’m worth Nothing At All and thinking I’m worth More Than Everybody Else In The World.  Both of these are unrealistic appraisals, and I think there can be a powerful relief from just picking a value – I’m worth something (not everything, and not nothing).

So I spent the morning coming up with my lowest number – the lowest I would sell my house for today.  It felt scary to decide and settle on a number (if it’s too high, no one will ever buy it; if it’s too low, I’ll lose a lot of money), but once I did, it felt empowering.  All of this sort of bled into the song as I was writing it.

So it’s good to know
How low will you go?
Will you say yes to it all?
If you lower the bar
Down much too far
You’re sure to trip and fall

And anyone with half a brain
Can see me heading there
I will sabotage the whole mirage
To make myself aware

‘Cause no one will stop me
This is my party – maybe I will cry
You wanna come over?
You wanna come see this?

I know I am worthy
This is not my journey
So won’t you set me free

I have spent each day trying not to say
All the thoughts that were in my mind
They said I’m rough, not good enough
They never were too kind

And nothing I could do or say
Could make them go away
In all, I guess, it’s like a test
To leave them where they lay

Sometimes it’s harder to not be a martyr
And be myself
If you want to save me
Baby, baby

I know I am worthy
This is not my journey
So won’t you set me free

Whatever the question, this is my obsession
This right here
I wanted to show you
If ever I know you

I know I am worthy
This is not my journey
So won’t you set me free

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